One More Year
I've been thinking a lot lately about life after graduation. I'm tentatively graduating (hopefully) next year, provided I don’t fail any of my subjects and end up having to extend a semester. It’s pretty anxiety-inducing, to say the least.
I'm the youngest out of two children, with both my parents now retired. My elder sister is 28 this year, and she's fairly successful as a corporate person albeit she sometimes dislikes her job. Growing up, my parents always emphasized the importance of education. While they never forced me to choose a specific field of study, they made their expectations clear whenever the topic of my degree came up: You better not regret this down the line, as this costed us so much.
I'm very grateful for all my parents have provided me - I went to a private college and am in a private university. I had the option to study in government universities, although the options they allocated to me were at the very bottom of my list (unfortunately Malaysia still operates on a crazy quota system). It didn't take too much effort on my end except to get good grades to enter my university, apply for a government loan under my name, and to try my best to get whatever scholarships or fee waivers were available.
Yet, I sometimes feel deeply indebted - not just financially, but also emotionally to my parents. And in ways I do not know if I could ever repay. In quieter moments, I think to myself "Do I owe them everything?" and immediately feel sorry for being a jackass of a daughter.
Filial piety is a big thing where I'm at. People whisper judgments about family friends whose kids left to marry overseas, leaving their parents behind. Usually, it's saved by the "at least he's contributing to the family's well-being here", typically measured by the amount of money they're sending back to their parents. Constant reminders that my parents did not have the same opportunities I've had has echoed my life since I was a child.
It's different from what I understand for those in more westernized and individualistic countries. Parents expect that their children would eventually leave the house, and they might or might not come back. It's certainly not expected or a want that the child resumes their stay at home till they grow old.
I envy that so much, illogically so. I envy the freedom that those children have, but at the same time, I don't know if I could ever have that same tethered-feeling that I do, now. This is the centre of my life - the outcome of my degree, the money I make from the job I eventually have, the money I use to eventually pay for my family's needs, and etc. I genuinely think I would be incredibly lost if one day my parents just poofed. Touch wood.
Recently, I've been thinking of my life's wants. I came into this degree because I was lost. I didn't know what to study. I wanted to be a physiotherapist at first, but after hearing some anecdotal stories, and hearing about the physical disadvantages I would have due to my stature and height, I reconsidered. I chose the easiest option available to me then - I was already at a college popular for their university's psychology course, my sister took the exact same degree, and it was convenient. And I took it. I think I'm doing fairly well in the course, and I've gotten a decent scholarship too.
When I first started thinking about what I wanted to do, I thought oh... maybe a special needs teacher. I had watched SBSK Videos for a couple of years then, and always thought that it was a noble and inspiring vocation, to be around these children or teenagers. It would be fulfilling, even if it was tiring. But the harsh reality hit when I learnt about the sustainability of these jobs in Malaysia. Most special needs learning centres here have low-paying salaries - salaries that could probably be comparable to someone working on a managerial position at McDonald's, and that's if you're lucky enough to get to the senior level.
I foregoed that idea very quickly. It was not something I could survive on. Yes, I want a job that can provide me and my family comfort. And if that meant I would let this noble-sounding job go, yeah - I would do just that. Right now, after two years of the degree, I'm pretty lost. If money was not an issue, I would love to resume my studies and go forward with clinical psychology or counselling. But realistically, I don't know if my parents are able to sustain their life up comfortably till their old age if I were to choose to do so - especially so when both my parents have no outside income. They're using their Employee's Provident Fund but how long can that last?
I don't exactly have a conclusion, except to brace life as it is. I love my family, as conplicated as it is now. Sometimes I have thoughts of just up-and-leaving, but imagining my parents' reactions, especially my sister's and my dad's, is painful enough to stop myself from thinking any specifics.
It might be ingrained in me that it is my duty to provide, but I'll try to do it in my terms. I'm learning to accept that I'm not responsible for everything. What I can do is share life's happiness with my family, whether that's in a monetary form or simply time, love, and presence.
Thank you for reading this. My apologies if this read like a random meandering journal entry. In a lot of ways, it is haha. If you would like to share any thoughts or if you have any questions at all, feel free to leave a comment :)
[14/100] for #100DaysToOffload