My Calculus Lecturer was Depressed
Three years ago, I enrolled myself in Calculus. I had no choice. I was in a foundation/pre-university program that required all its students to take the subject. And so my fellow classmates did just that. It was also during the pandemic. Everything was still online, and I had my first semester of college 100% virtually.
I remember the first class we had with this particular lecturer, Ms. M. Mrs. M was the only lecturer we had that did not endorse us to turn on our webcams. Every other lecturer was very adamant about us doing so. My friends and I appreciated this. But oddly, the lecturer herself did not turn on her camera.
Mr. M is a very kind educator. She's pretty straightforward in the style of lectures she did - it was a couple of slides on a concept, and then she would drill us with questions towards the end. As we were a pretty small class (12-15 people), she would make sure everyone answered at least one part of a question.
It would typically go like this:
- She would call out the first name on the Microsoft Teams list on the sidebar, so it was typically in an alphabetical sequence.
- Then, each person would have to contribute to a section of an equation by verbally explaining what you would do, and then using your calculator to calculate said step.
- Depending on how long the question is, she might ask the next person to help the previous person if they didn't know how to go on.
Whenever students started to struggle, she would jump in and try to give prompts to remind the students of a specific step. Or she would use a kind tone to ask, "Are you sure, Adam?". And if you managed to go through the question successfully, she would always say: "Good job, Adam, you did well!" or "Exactly! That's correct.". It's not much, but it's also not something I see often in classes here in Malaysia, especially not in college and university where you're somewhat expected to already know the content. Typical reactions would be a very quick "Good," or a nod of acknowledgement before the lecturer would take off to the next thing on the slide. Now, of course, this isn't how all the lecturers I've met behave, but it is common in my experience.
For the entire semester, this continued. We would finish our weekly assignments, DM'ing her on Teams so she can get that checked, and we're free to reach out to her in text format whenever we want to. She's very efficient in responding, and she never gives out answers. She would troubleshoot your problem with you, and guide you towards figuring it out yourself.
Even until the end of the course, the class never knew what she looked like. Her voice had a very kind and sweet tone to it, but that was all we knew of her. Her profile picture was an image of a flower. That didn't help.
When we returned to campus, I didn't have any other subjects that she would be the lecturer for. Hence, we never crossed paths. Neither did my classmates. So, I had 0 idea what she looked like until after she stopped lecturing.
I eventually created a LinkedIn account to establish a presence there and to see what the platform was like (yikes, not a big fan of the vibe as a whole, honestly). Lo and behold, Ms. M was recommended to me there! I connected with her on the platform. There wasn’t an image on her profile, but I saw her experience section, and I was pretty sure it was her since the name and classes aligned perfectly.
I left it at that. Then, earlier this year, she started posting much more frequently. She shared that she had started a new job and that, during the period when she left lecturing, she pursued a Master’s degree before landing a data analytics role at a startup. She has also been sharing more personal experiences, including her struggles with depression and trauma. While she hasn’t provided specific details, she mentioned that someone in her life radiated a lot of negativity.
I don't really know what to make of this information, honestly. I haven't thought about Ms. M for the last few years as I did not use calculus in my undergraduate (thankfully), and the only place I see her presence is on LinkedIn. But it made me feel a little regretful that all I thought of her was that lecturer who never turned on her camera. I always thought she was pretty nice, but that was it.
Never really thought about who she was, what she could be going through, etc. Maybe it is a little ingrained in the culture I belong in, where students are expected to treat educators with a respectful and obedience-laced type of role.
She recently uploaded a profile picture, a black-and-white version of herself smiling with big-framed glasses, and she's got a sweet demeanour to her. I hope she's in a better place now.
Thank you for reading, and if you would like to share any thoughts or if you have any questions at all, feel free to leave a comment :)
[9/100] for #100DaysToOffload